I didn't go to the gym today. I was still too exhausted from yesterday to go. When dad woke me up I just told him to take the car he did this whiney thing so I told him Id just take him. There was an envelope with my name on it waiting for me in the car. I thought it was very odd. Dad suggested I had a secret admirer. I said no, it was either his or moms handwriting. He denied writing me a letter, I opened it up and low and behold it was from my mom. I read it while dad was driving. When I finished he asked what it said. I gave him the very watered down version; she said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants over. She told me she is an adult and can make her own decisions. That it was time for her "to let me go" (whatever that means). That I should move out, but I can ultimately stay for as long as was necessary (finish schooling). Plus other sentimental nonsense that I don't understand.
I told my dad he needed to have a talk with her cause I am tired of being told one thing one day and something entirely different the next. I really hate it. It frustrates me beyond measure. I swear its the source of 85% of my anger. Grr. Of course my father stood up for her and said to be nice to her.
I dropped him off, came home and went back to sleep. It felt great to sleep. Caleb texted me a little bit. He had to go to work at 1pm, couldn't get a hold of his sitter and was getting antsy. When he did finally get a hold of her, she told him she wouldn't be available to work till Monday. She's a college student. I told him that she's a crappy sitter and not to hire a student of any kind. Not very flexable. He gets defensive and says he has to make do with what he has available to him. Bleh! I don't care. I miss the kids and all, but I won't go back to that. He'll one day realize just how good I was to him and that he will never find anyone as willing as me to do all that I did for him, especially in such short notices. He did apologize for asking cause he knows I'm "suppose to be the last resort". Eh. Whatever.
I watched this movie called Stolen Life. Its an asian film. Its about this girl who grows up in the ghetto, raised by her grandma and Aunt, only to see her mom and dad a few times. Well this girl grows up and decides to apply for high school/college. On the first day of school she meets this delivery guy who lives different lives with different women. She ends up falling in love with this guy, getting pregnant, dropping out of school and finding out thats exactly what her mom did with her. In the end this girl ends up being left by the guy, he married some other girl, and gets a job at a department store. She ends up doing pretty well on her own. Near the end though, she decided to do something drastic. Get revenge. She buys a knife, calls the guy up and tell him she wants to get her diary from the house; to meet her there. She gets there before him and is getting things ready. When he walks in he sits on the bed and tells her to get it. She says its not her house anymore and for him to get it. They go at that for a few minutes. Finally he tells her to drop the knife that his life wasn't worth hers. She says something pretty awesome. Can't remember exactly what she said but the jist of it was something like; Only you control your fait and no ones life is ever worth yours. Never to give up because you control your future. You have the power to move on or stay stuck in the past, on the bad things that happened. It was really good, whatever she said.
It got me thinking about how I hold onto the pain of different relationships. It's not that I like the pain, but its what I have left OF that relationship. Its all that keeps me tied to that person. I don't want to be stuck like that, I don't want to always hold onto the hurt causing me to be in a stand still; never to progress. I want to be able to let it go, like she did even though it took her that one moment. Needless to say, I will never try and kill anyone, but you can't say that thought has never crossed your mind. Maybe not the thought of you killing them personally but them dying in some freaky bizarre accident. Either way, I don't want any one else to control my future. I want to control it. I'm just not sure how to give up the pain, the hurt, to sever that one last tie I share with that person. Any suggestions? Any insightful tips? Anything at all...? I just want to move on, but how.
Hmm..
I went to Karls for games, tonight. I invited a couple people, Brady, Sabina and LaRay. Only Laray came with me. The other two were busy. I had fun. I like games.
Now regarding my birthday. I thought about planning this elaborate water themed party, but in the end I decided not to. I just don't feel like putting on a show and playing host. I don't want the responsibility of getting everything together and making all the arrangements. Its just too depressing for some reason. I blame the holidays. Honestly though, I am not quite sure why I don't care for my birthday this year. Just thinking about turning 22 has gotten me down. Maybe its cause I haven't accomplished anything in the past few years. Haven't attended college or found a CAREER. Its such a drag.......... Namely, I think its cause I'm not married. Its been drilled in my head that you HAVE to get married in order to amount to anything. The typical "mormon wedding" for girls is between the ages of 18 and 22. I don't have any suitable prospect. I am not being courted by anyone nor have I gone on any dates within the past 5 months. Uggh. Why must it be this way. Maybe I should just propose the idea of getting married to an older guy. Maybe I will have better luck with that. I can always LEARN to love someone, right?
Such is life, to live, love, marry and have kids. Yet I have none of that life. :( Sometimes, I just want to be embraced by a man and told Im loved...
By the way, all I had today was a slim fast for breakfast, another for lunch, a hard boiled egg and lean cuisine chicken friend rice for dinner. 190, 190, 260 = 640 calories for my entire day. Well and plus the egg. Not sure how many calories that has in it.
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