Emotions run a muck in this household. There is never just one emotion flowing in down these halls and hanging in each room. Its always a collaboration of EVERY emotion. One person can be happy, another sad, another angry and let me tell you. When all these emotions decide to party together its never a fun time for those in the midst.
We all have tempers. We all are short at one point or another. It's a little hard living here at times. I am always sad and feel like I have to compete for attention. I know what you are thinking, she's 21 she doesn't need attention anymore. She is such a child/baby! Well... I am sorry to have to say this. We all need attention. Thats why we have parents, siblings, friends, lovers, boyfriends/girlfriends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, wives, and husbands. We have them because they love us and with that love they give us individual attention. I am single going on 22 (July 3rd). I honestly feel I have no one. I get lonely, just as everyone else. I fall short of happy more often then not. I am needy because I've always had to compete for attention. 2 of my sisters had kids at a young age, I was left to babysit. I was always shoved somewhere in the background while my parents tended to their needs first. I rebelled when I was younger. I got attention, not always from the people I really wanted it from, but it was attention none the less.
Being needy makes you impatient. It also makes you doubt everyone and everything they say. So needless to say, I also have trust issues.
I'm a girl, 21 years old. I am STILL single and have no kids. I have parents catering to the needs of an older sister while my needs are never met. I am a very hard person to love, because I believe in giving hard love. Why let someone in when you will just get hurt in the end? Look at me and Caleb. I hurt so much because of the lies I was told. Because of all the false hope he and his family gave me, when in reality he was never going to be with me. I gave up everything, for nothing in return. Just pain, loneliness, and sadness.
I hate weddings because at the end of the day I know I am still alone. I am still going to an empty bed where I have no spouse waiting for me. I hate being the youngest and watching my older sisters get the guy.
Where is my guy!? Where is my Prince Charming!? I am tired of being sad and lonely. I want him to be here now! I want him to hold me at this very moment and tell me he loves me... Alas... It wont happen. I lay here in my bed, alone with no one.
As you can see, I am not feeling all that happy.
Church went well though. Church always goes well. I payed my tithing and fast offering. I met a couple new people. I told a few people it was my birthday next Sunday and a few of them said I should throw a party or something. Ha.
When you have no one, you tend to feel worthless. I feel worthless and unwanted. I gave my all. I gave it a shot. I won't be happy either way.
I fried a seafood mix I bought the other day. It was pretty good. It was already cooked so I tried a little bit while it was still cold. I made enough for the parents and I. We had rice with it as well. Thats all I've had today. :( I haven't been real hungry today.
No body ever notices me. No one ever sees me. I am invisible even when I try to show myself to them. They see what they want to see and apparently I am not what they want to see. I know I'm not all that pretty, I could never compare to some girls/women. I don't have the best body. I'm not girly enough. I am human though. I still hurt, just as much as anyone.
I'm angry and probably will be for a while. Sorry to all those who will have to deal with me.
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