I got the sweetest and most sincere text this morning from a dear friend. He stated that he had read yesterdays post and just wanted to let me know a few things. He then went on to tell me he loves me and thinks I am wonderful. He told me how beautiful he thought I was inside and out and that I am an amazing woman. He proceeded to poor out his heart to me in his text. This wasn't the first time I heard these sweet endearments. As I read on till the end it made me wonder a few things.
1. Why can't I find myself to love someone as sweet and caring as this.
2. Why does a guy such as this take notice on me.
3. Who am I to shun such love from someone who is so interested in me and content with who I am now.
Me and this certain friend have tried in the past to make a relationship work for us. He was always 100% committed. Me, on the other hand, could never see him as more than just a friend. I was always the one to end it. As it is with all men who show such passions for me. Why do I continue to push those that love me the most away? What am I so afraid of? I always say how much I want to be married and have a family, but yet when the opportunity is standing at my front door I slam the door close and dead bolt it shut. Putting as much barrier between me and that person as possible. Am I so terrified of being loved that I won't accept it? I tend to fall in love with guys whom I, deep down, know will never love me back. No matter how much I know that to be true, I commit myself to them. Putting everything into establishing a relationship with that person. I put all the time and effort into it as I possibly can; its all in vain though. You can always tell when the end is nigh and even when I know its nearing, I still deny the truth; that he doesn't love me and will never be with me.
So, honestly, why is it that I can love those guys but not the ones that will love me back? What is so wrong with me that I won't let the ones who truly care about me in?
I really don't understand this. Maybe I feel I don't deserve the love of another. Maybe I am punishing myself for hurting all the guys who truly care for me. Maybe I am just scared to commit to someone who loves me so much because I feel they don't see the real me. That maybe the me that they see is just a hazy version of me; a better version of me they conjured up somehow.
I don't deserve to be on the pedestal that some guys have me on. Especially when I have hurt them in the past.
I don't know the mysteries of love and I honestly don't know why I am such a cowardice when it comes to being loved by someone. As much as I want it, I am scared of it for some reason. I wish I knew how to answer my own questions. I wish I had more self confidence, maybe then I could let them love me. I wish I knew how to change all of it. I wish I could see me the way those guys see me. Maybe, just maybe, then I could let them in and quit wasting my time on guys who will never give me the time of day like they do.
I am grateful to all those who love me in spite of my imperfections. I sincerely hope that one day I can let myself be loved by such a wonderful, nice guy so that one day I can move forward with life and be happy. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment