For the Spirit of the Lord will not always strive with man. And when the Spirit ceaseth to strive with man then cometh speedy destruction, and this grieveth my soul. - 2 Nephi 26:11
Have you ever felt that no matter how hard you try your best is never good enough? That no matter how hard you work you can't reach your goal? My spiritual goal is to attain my temple recommend once again, to be able to hold it in my hand and walk into the temple once more. Sadly, these past couple days I just haven't felt the Holy Ghost. I feel as though he has left me. I don't understand. Actually, I do. I am not up to par with everything. I have not kept my end of the bargain. I made covenants with the Lord, he has kept every promise he has made to me and I have not. The scripture above rings in my head, "For the Spirit of the Lord will not always strive with man.". We all know that he won't dwell in an unclean place. Though I scrub my body on the outside, I am still dirty on the inside. Maybe I shouldn't be typing this in my blog, maybe I shouldn't let anyone know how I feel. Maybe I should just keep this all to myself. But I am hoping and wishing that there is someone out there reading this and feeling the same way. As selfish as this is, so that I may know I am not the only one to ever feel this way.
I am not a lone. I know this. He will always by with me, watching me, guiding me as long as I am willing to take his hand and follow. I will reach my goal, but why oh why must I be so dumb, so carnally minded? Why can't I have the strength that I see others with? Why must I let myself be weakened by the world? I always feel at peace at church and on Sundays. Today, I just felt empty. When at other time I would have cried, today I just sat there as if someone hollowed me out.
Though I feel so depressed about my spiritual life, today was a great day. I enjoyed every minute of it. I met a new girl, named Lena. She is from Russia. I picked her up for church. After church we went to my grandmas for lunch, I had 3 tacos and 1/2 a cucumber. So yummy! Oh how I missed greasy tacos. :) We then came to my house and watched Beastly. It was such a good chick flick! I loved the soundtrack! I want it. We watched a little TV and my cousin, Brady came over to hang out with us. We went to the fireside tonight. We had a lot of fun! Lena is great. Brady went to the fireside too. Made me so happy! I love it when he goes to things with me. The 3 of us had a lot of fun. After the fireside Brady did some brodies in the truck. Lena was laughing the entire time. I felt bad, I kept squishing her. We made plans to go 4wheeling before she leaves on Saturday and to go to FHE tomorrow night. Brady said he will go with us. :)
The fireside was about perseverance, at least to me it was. This man was told at the age of 17 that he would never be able to move again, that he would never be able to use his arms or legs ever again. But because he didn't accept what the Doctors said to him and pushed himself to do the un imaginable, he was able to, first, wiggle his thumb, then move his had, then his arm and so on. He is still in a wheelchair. He has never given up. He is happily married with kids. He over came what most people would have accepted and given up in life. He just became stronger and stronger. I want to be like him. I want to be able to come out strong when all the odds are against me, I want to climb out of this whole and push open the gate that keeps me shut inside. With baby steps, like him, I know I can. I need to find my strength, I need perseverance. I will get out and break the chains Satan has me tied down with. I will get that feeling back. My candle still has a spark left, I just need to ignite the fire and let it consume me.
I love my Aunt. I say that in almost every post, but its true. She is always here for me when I feel I have no one. She sent me the best text message ever. It made me cry. I hope she won't mind me putting it in this post. It read; "That is why we love each other. Sounding boards and perfume lovers. We do have a lot in common. Are you sure you are not my daughter? Hehe I wished upon a star for you so I at least got to marry into this family so I could have you at least part of the time". The part that overwhelms me with love is "I wished upon a star for you". I wish upon a star everyday for someone, just anyone, to be happy and know that they are loved. I never would have thought, that even before I was born someone wished for me. I was wished for. Maybe I am taking too much out of this text, maybe im just overwhelmed with emotions, but can you just imagine for one moment, being the person someone wished for? I never could, but now I can. I am loved, I was loved before I came into this world and still am. Heavenly Father knew exactly what he was doing when he put me into this family, same with my Aunt. He wasn't able to give her me as a daughter, but as a niece. She got me one way or another and I wouldn't trade my disfunctional family for anything. Though we fight and bicker we are always there for one another when times get hard. I love all my family. My mom and dad have sacrificed so much for me and continue to do so. My sisters are always there to protect me, from myself and others. I am loved. Not just here on earth but in heaven too. My father in heaven loves me just as he loves each of you. I just needed a little reminding of it.
Food; I had an ice cream, cheese stick, 1 bag of chocolate covered pretzels and 1 bag of chex mix. Plus the tacos and cucumbers mentioned earlier.
No comments:
Post a Comment