Why do I feel so worthless all the time? Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I overcome all my trials and temptations. I am nothing with Him. I know he hasn't forsaken me, rather it was me that forsook Him. I am tired of feeling this way. I can't do it anymore. I can't deal with endless days and countless hours spent crying on the phone to Caleb or in my room, making no noise so that others in the house won't hear me. I am tired of this anger I have bottled up thats directed toward Caleb. I hate that he lied to me. I hate that I gave my everything to him and believed him when he said he would be with me in the end, that when he was ready he would be mine. I hate him for hurting me, for leading me on for 6 months. I hate that I love him and will still do/say anything to make him happy. I hate that he complains about being alone, that he has nothing. He has a girlfriend, he has kids. He is not alone. I hate that he tells me sorry. It doesn't change anything, that stupid simple word. Its useless. It doesn't take away the pain I feel. I can't deal with it anymore. I will never take my own life. I know others have it worse off than I. I don't care what you are thinking right now either, I could care less if you think I am just being some whiney girl that needs to get over herself cause the world doesn't revolve around her. I don't care if you judge me anymore. I am tired of trying to be what the world things I should be. I am mean. I am hateful. I am scared. I am weak. I am worthless. I am ugly. I am fat. But, I don't care anymore. Life would be easier if I didn't have to live it. Thats not to say I am not grateful for all that Heavenly Father has given me. I am. But I am tired of it. I can only take so much. Others may be able to carry this load/burden. I can not. My knees are buckling from all the pressure.
I honestly wish I could just trust again. Maybe then I would be happier. I really don't know why I feel this way. My day was going great. I showered. I went swimming with Karl. I hung out with him and Donnie. We watched the fireworks with my family. I was laughing and having a very enjoyable time. My day was going very well, but on the way home from dropping the boys off I just had a breakdown and started crying. I hate seeing others get married. I'm sorry, but I do. I put myself out there, trust me. I do. No guy finds me worth the trouble. No guy sees me. I am trying but there is nothing: NO ONE!
Jackie said that her boss is hiring. I don't know what to do. Should I move back to California or stay here? What am I suppose to do? Someone please just tell me. I can't handle all these decisions. Don't say pray about it, I am.
Why is it that Caleb and my sister have found multiple to marry them and have been married multiple kids and have kids?? I can't even find ONE person willing to marry me. What is so wrong with me? What have I done to deserve this desolation?
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