I didn't go to the gym today. I was still too exhausted from yesterday to go. When dad woke me up I just told him to take the car he did this whiney thing so I told him Id just take him. There was an envelope with my name on it waiting for me in the car. I thought it was very odd. Dad suggested I had a secret admirer. I said no, it was either his or moms handwriting. He denied writing me a letter, I opened it up and low and behold it was from my mom. I read it while dad was driving. When I finished he asked what it said. I gave him the very watered down version; she said it was her house and she can have who ever she wants over. She told me she is an adult and can make her own decisions. That it was time for her "to let me go" (whatever that means). That I should move out, but I can ultimately stay for as long as was necessary (finish schooling). Plus other sentimental nonsense that I don't understand.
I told my dad he needed to have a talk with her cause I am tired of being told one thing one day and something entirely different the next. I really hate it. It frustrates me beyond measure. I swear its the source of 85% of my anger. Grr. Of course my father stood up for her and said to be nice to her.
I dropped him off, came home and went back to sleep. It felt great to sleep. Caleb texted me a little bit. He had to go to work at 1pm, couldn't get a hold of his sitter and was getting antsy. When he did finally get a hold of her, she told him she wouldn't be available to work till Monday. She's a college student. I told him that she's a crappy sitter and not to hire a student of any kind. Not very flexable. He gets defensive and says he has to make do with what he has available to him. Bleh! I don't care. I miss the kids and all, but I won't go back to that. He'll one day realize just how good I was to him and that he will never find anyone as willing as me to do all that I did for him, especially in such short notices. He did apologize for asking cause he knows I'm "suppose to be the last resort". Eh. Whatever.
I watched this movie called Stolen Life. Its an asian film. Its about this girl who grows up in the ghetto, raised by her grandma and Aunt, only to see her mom and dad a few times. Well this girl grows up and decides to apply for high school/college. On the first day of school she meets this delivery guy who lives different lives with different women. She ends up falling in love with this guy, getting pregnant, dropping out of school and finding out thats exactly what her mom did with her. In the end this girl ends up being left by the guy, he married some other girl, and gets a job at a department store. She ends up doing pretty well on her own. Near the end though, she decided to do something drastic. Get revenge. She buys a knife, calls the guy up and tell him she wants to get her diary from the house; to meet her there. She gets there before him and is getting things ready. When he walks in he sits on the bed and tells her to get it. She says its not her house anymore and for him to get it. They go at that for a few minutes. Finally he tells her to drop the knife that his life wasn't worth hers. She says something pretty awesome. Can't remember exactly what she said but the jist of it was something like; Only you control your fait and no ones life is ever worth yours. Never to give up because you control your future. You have the power to move on or stay stuck in the past, on the bad things that happened. It was really good, whatever she said.
It got me thinking about how I hold onto the pain of different relationships. It's not that I like the pain, but its what I have left OF that relationship. Its all that keeps me tied to that person. I don't want to be stuck like that, I don't want to always hold onto the hurt causing me to be in a stand still; never to progress. I want to be able to let it go, like she did even though it took her that one moment. Needless to say, I will never try and kill anyone, but you can't say that thought has never crossed your mind. Maybe not the thought of you killing them personally but them dying in some freaky bizarre accident. Either way, I don't want any one else to control my future. I want to control it. I'm just not sure how to give up the pain, the hurt, to sever that one last tie I share with that person. Any suggestions? Any insightful tips? Anything at all...? I just want to move on, but how.
Hmm..
I went to Karls for games, tonight. I invited a couple people, Brady, Sabina and LaRay. Only Laray came with me. The other two were busy. I had fun. I like games.
Now regarding my birthday. I thought about planning this elaborate water themed party, but in the end I decided not to. I just don't feel like putting on a show and playing host. I don't want the responsibility of getting everything together and making all the arrangements. Its just too depressing for some reason. I blame the holidays. Honestly though, I am not quite sure why I don't care for my birthday this year. Just thinking about turning 22 has gotten me down. Maybe its cause I haven't accomplished anything in the past few years. Haven't attended college or found a CAREER. Its such a drag.......... Namely, I think its cause I'm not married. Its been drilled in my head that you HAVE to get married in order to amount to anything. The typical "mormon wedding" for girls is between the ages of 18 and 22. I don't have any suitable prospect. I am not being courted by anyone nor have I gone on any dates within the past 5 months. Uggh. Why must it be this way. Maybe I should just propose the idea of getting married to an older guy. Maybe I will have better luck with that. I can always LEARN to love someone, right?
Such is life, to live, love, marry and have kids. Yet I have none of that life. :( Sometimes, I just want to be embraced by a man and told Im loved...
By the way, all I had today was a slim fast for breakfast, another for lunch, a hard boiled egg and lean cuisine chicken friend rice for dinner. 190, 190, 260 = 640 calories for my entire day. Well and plus the egg. Not sure how many calories that has in it.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Day 23 - Exhausting adventures.
Dad woke me up to go to the gym today. I wasn't planning on working out so I went in my flip flops. I ended up working out. It was rediculous. I was there and I just felt so guilty for even thinking about NOT working out. I didn't stay along. I was in flip flops after all. I did 15 minutes on cardio, 10 on the bike and 5 on the fit stride. Then 15 on weights. 100 tricep presses. 60 inner thigh work outs. 10 butterflies. 15 pull downs. 20 ab curls, normal, with 10 lb weights on each side.
I came straight home after the gym and had my protein shake. I was just crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head to go back to bed when I received a text from Caleb checking to see if I was "up and at em" around 4:45AM. He asked me a couple weeks ago to go to his court hearing with him in St. Johns. I said sure. I got in the shower and proceeded to get ready. I asked him what I should wear and he told me business dress. He got here around 5AM. I wasn't quite ready yet. I let him in and finished getting ready. We were on the road around 5:25AM. I had him drive. I really don't like driving. We stopped to get gas a couple times and to go to the bathroom.
We got there around 9:15AM. His court didn't start till 10:30AM. We decided to go on a walk. As we were walking he looks at me and asks me if he can ask me something without getting upset. I told him he knew me well enough to know what upsets me and what doesn't. I told him to choose wisely. I couldn't make any promises. After a couple minutes of him just contemplating wether he should ask or not he reluctantly does. He asks me to go to the library during the hearing and to not go in with him. I was upset. Not mad upset just disappointed. I thought the whole reason for me going was to be his moral support. Of course, I tell him it does bother me, but it is his court hearing not mine and if he doesn't want me there than so be it. He says he does want me there just thinks it would be better if I didn't go in. He didn't want my presence to stir anything up with the ex. I then told him no matter what she or anyone said about him I would still feel the same way as I do now. I wouldn't ever change the way I think or feel about him based on what someone else says about him. He said he knew that. I said fine I'll go to the library.
We walk back to the court house. He hugs me and walks off. I get in the car and drive away. What was the real purpose of me going? Did he really want me there? Yeah, I know. He was probably just using me (more likely than not). But someone needed to go with him.
I went to the library and found a book to read. The Chinese Cinderella. Its a biography. I read it in high school and wasn't sure I'd be able to get into. I've never been able to read a book twice. I find it boring. I was so happy! I read 50 pages of it when I got a call from Caleb to go pick him and the kids up at the park. The call was registering as his ex wife's number. I was reluctant to answer. I picked it up anyway. As Caleb was talking the phone dropped the call. I gave the librarian the book and walked outside to answer another call from him. I ask him why he has her phone, he snaps at me and says "don't worry about it!". That pissed me off. I said I'll be there to get you and hung up.
That was the only time he snapped at me. We did really well spending the entire day together. We didn't get into any fights or arguments. I was quite proud of myself. He was texting people, which annoys me more than anything in the world, in front of me. I didn't say anything. I just let it be. Ignored it all together.
The way home was a blast! We went to the store and bought a couple kids CD's. We jammed out to all sorts of kids music on the way home and played with the kids. Tickling their toes and throwing Conner's dirty socks at everyone. They were laughing the entire time as were we. Haha with all the singing going along it made me feel like people were looking at us and thinking we were one of those "weird families" riding in a caravan that are always smiling and happy. Yeah, terrible thought! It was so fun. Me and Caleb did a dance off in the car and did a duet to Summer Nights (sing a long) from Grease. He sang the guys part and I sang the girls part. We both got into that song. It was fun. We sang Jump in the Line and that Me Say Day - O song. It was so much fun.
He drove the entire time. I was very thankful for that. He even payed for everything. I could've bought my own food but he didn't let me.
For breakfast I had peanut butter crackers. For lunch, we went to McDonalds. I had some chicken nuggets and french fries with a lemonade. Then Caleb took us for dessert to DQ. He asked what I wanted and I told him I didn't want a lot. Maybe a couple bites of something so he asked if I wanted to share a medium blizzard. I said yeah. He couldn't even finish it! I had a couple bites. I didn't eat anything for dinner. I wasn't hungry till late.
I really did have a very enjoyable time with Caleb and the kids. I kind of miss days like yesterday with him. Always laughing and never arguing. We had fun in the beginning. I'm just sad it had to end at one point. Too many lies, too many trust issues.
I think I might buy the previously mentioned book and add it to my collection. It really is a good book.
I came straight home after the gym and had my protein shake. I was just crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head to go back to bed when I received a text from Caleb checking to see if I was "up and at em" around 4:45AM. He asked me a couple weeks ago to go to his court hearing with him in St. Johns. I said sure. I got in the shower and proceeded to get ready. I asked him what I should wear and he told me business dress. He got here around 5AM. I wasn't quite ready yet. I let him in and finished getting ready. We were on the road around 5:25AM. I had him drive. I really don't like driving. We stopped to get gas a couple times and to go to the bathroom.
We got there around 9:15AM. His court didn't start till 10:30AM. We decided to go on a walk. As we were walking he looks at me and asks me if he can ask me something without getting upset. I told him he knew me well enough to know what upsets me and what doesn't. I told him to choose wisely. I couldn't make any promises. After a couple minutes of him just contemplating wether he should ask or not he reluctantly does. He asks me to go to the library during the hearing and to not go in with him. I was upset. Not mad upset just disappointed. I thought the whole reason for me going was to be his moral support. Of course, I tell him it does bother me, but it is his court hearing not mine and if he doesn't want me there than so be it. He says he does want me there just thinks it would be better if I didn't go in. He didn't want my presence to stir anything up with the ex. I then told him no matter what she or anyone said about him I would still feel the same way as I do now. I wouldn't ever change the way I think or feel about him based on what someone else says about him. He said he knew that. I said fine I'll go to the library.
We walk back to the court house. He hugs me and walks off. I get in the car and drive away. What was the real purpose of me going? Did he really want me there? Yeah, I know. He was probably just using me (more likely than not). But someone needed to go with him.
I went to the library and found a book to read. The Chinese Cinderella. Its a biography. I read it in high school and wasn't sure I'd be able to get into. I've never been able to read a book twice. I find it boring. I was so happy! I read 50 pages of it when I got a call from Caleb to go pick him and the kids up at the park. The call was registering as his ex wife's number. I was reluctant to answer. I picked it up anyway. As Caleb was talking the phone dropped the call. I gave the librarian the book and walked outside to answer another call from him. I ask him why he has her phone, he snaps at me and says "don't worry about it!". That pissed me off. I said I'll be there to get you and hung up.
That was the only time he snapped at me. We did really well spending the entire day together. We didn't get into any fights or arguments. I was quite proud of myself. He was texting people, which annoys me more than anything in the world, in front of me. I didn't say anything. I just let it be. Ignored it all together.
The way home was a blast! We went to the store and bought a couple kids CD's. We jammed out to all sorts of kids music on the way home and played with the kids. Tickling their toes and throwing Conner's dirty socks at everyone. They were laughing the entire time as were we. Haha with all the singing going along it made me feel like people were looking at us and thinking we were one of those "weird families" riding in a caravan that are always smiling and happy. Yeah, terrible thought! It was so fun. Me and Caleb did a dance off in the car and did a duet to Summer Nights (sing a long) from Grease. He sang the guys part and I sang the girls part. We both got into that song. It was fun. We sang Jump in the Line and that Me Say Day - O song. It was so much fun.
He drove the entire time. I was very thankful for that. He even payed for everything. I could've bought my own food but he didn't let me.
For breakfast I had peanut butter crackers. For lunch, we went to McDonalds. I had some chicken nuggets and french fries with a lemonade. Then Caleb took us for dessert to DQ. He asked what I wanted and I told him I didn't want a lot. Maybe a couple bites of something so he asked if I wanted to share a medium blizzard. I said yeah. He couldn't even finish it! I had a couple bites. I didn't eat anything for dinner. I wasn't hungry till late.
I really did have a very enjoyable time with Caleb and the kids. I kind of miss days like yesterday with him. Always laughing and never arguing. We had fun in the beginning. I'm just sad it had to end at one point. Too many lies, too many trust issues.
I think I might buy the previously mentioned book and add it to my collection. It really is a good book.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Day 22 - a bunch of random sprinkled on my day :)
I didn't go to the gym till around 9 today. Uggh, when I got there two people were already there. It was sad. I didn't know if I could make myself stay or not. People at the gym intimidate me. I don't know why. They just do. I ended up talking myself into staying and getting my work out in.
I did 2 miles in 33 minutes on the treadmill. Go me!! Haha it was so nasty, while on the treadmill the guy that was already at the gym when I got there decided to leave. I am sweating profusely. Its disguisting. Well before actually walking out the door, he decides to turn and wave to me. Haha. I felt so gross. Good thing he has a g/f or wife. Not sure if they are married or just together. After the treadmill I did weights. 100 tricep presses. 60 inner thigh workouts. 25 normal ab curls with 10 lb weights on each side. 10 ab curls with 10 lb weights, on each side, for each side. 15 pull downs. 15 butterflies. 2 girls walked in around that time. Grr. I definitely don't like sharing the gym. Once they got there I decided to hurry up and finish. I did another 10 minutes (walking) on the treadmill and 5 on the fit stride. So that makes a total of 48 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes on weights. Not a bad day after all, even if I had to share the gym.
I texted Caleb after the gym. My tire was making a funny noise, like it wasn't on all the way and I wanted him to come take a look. He texted me back once I got home and said he'd be right there. We took it for a spin around the block, he said he could hear it and then we jacked it up and he checked again for me. He thinks I need them to be balanced and that I need an alignment. I don't know though. The breaks still squeak like crazy which really irritates me. Especially when they aren't needing to be changed! I had my protein shake before he got here, which ultimately ended up being my breakfast. Not bad.
We ended up hanging out from 10 AM- 12:45PM. We went and did a few things up town and got pizza cause his momma requested it. Of course, he asks me how much I think he should order. I told him 2 lrge, should be enough for him, david, and two kids. Then he adds "and you".
So I ended up having 1 slice of pizza and a cheesy breadstick for lunch. It was yummy.
For dinner I had steamed asparagus, broccoli, carrots and 3 hard boiled eggs (with the yoke removed). I had 2 L of water through out the day. My eating habits are getting better. But I do need to find a healthy sweet tooth satisfier.
Meeting with Bishop went well. Not much to report. Keep up what I'm doing and thats about it.
I go with Caleb tomorrow to his court. I'm making him drive (to St. Johns) and pay for gas. We are taking my car. Hmm. We have to be on the road by 5:30AM. My work out starts at 4AM tomorrow. I should have enough time.
Well thats it for now. Oh so I think I might do a pool/hot tub party for my bday party. Any in put??
OH OH OH! And on the way home from work today, coming from Duncan, it started to SPRINKLE!!! I was so happy! Even if it was only 10 drops on my window. Its something! Better than nothing!!!
I did 2 miles in 33 minutes on the treadmill. Go me!! Haha it was so nasty, while on the treadmill the guy that was already at the gym when I got there decided to leave. I am sweating profusely. Its disguisting. Well before actually walking out the door, he decides to turn and wave to me. Haha. I felt so gross. Good thing he has a g/f or wife. Not sure if they are married or just together. After the treadmill I did weights. 100 tricep presses. 60 inner thigh workouts. 25 normal ab curls with 10 lb weights on each side. 10 ab curls with 10 lb weights, on each side, for each side. 15 pull downs. 15 butterflies. 2 girls walked in around that time. Grr. I definitely don't like sharing the gym. Once they got there I decided to hurry up and finish. I did another 10 minutes (walking) on the treadmill and 5 on the fit stride. So that makes a total of 48 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes on weights. Not a bad day after all, even if I had to share the gym.
I texted Caleb after the gym. My tire was making a funny noise, like it wasn't on all the way and I wanted him to come take a look. He texted me back once I got home and said he'd be right there. We took it for a spin around the block, he said he could hear it and then we jacked it up and he checked again for me. He thinks I need them to be balanced and that I need an alignment. I don't know though. The breaks still squeak like crazy which really irritates me. Especially when they aren't needing to be changed! I had my protein shake before he got here, which ultimately ended up being my breakfast. Not bad.
We ended up hanging out from 10 AM- 12:45PM. We went and did a few things up town and got pizza cause his momma requested it. Of course, he asks me how much I think he should order. I told him 2 lrge, should be enough for him, david, and two kids. Then he adds "and you".
So I ended up having 1 slice of pizza and a cheesy breadstick for lunch. It was yummy.
For dinner I had steamed asparagus, broccoli, carrots and 3 hard boiled eggs (with the yoke removed). I had 2 L of water through out the day. My eating habits are getting better. But I do need to find a healthy sweet tooth satisfier.
Meeting with Bishop went well. Not much to report. Keep up what I'm doing and thats about it.
I go with Caleb tomorrow to his court. I'm making him drive (to St. Johns) and pay for gas. We are taking my car. Hmm. We have to be on the road by 5:30AM. My work out starts at 4AM tomorrow. I should have enough time.
Well thats it for now. Oh so I think I might do a pool/hot tub party for my bday party. Any in put??
OH OH OH! And on the way home from work today, coming from Duncan, it started to SPRINKLE!!! I was so happy! Even if it was only 10 drops on my window. Its something! Better than nothing!!!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Day 21
I love when my dad doesn't go to work in the mornings! Its great to be able to sleep in. Especially after being an emotional wreck, like last night.
Well I do feel better than yesterday, still a little emotional, but better none the less.
I went to the gym after work today. My friend Erica met me out there. It was nice. I was talking to Leon before I went and he told me to cut the protein shake and up my cardio time. So I would have to do 30-45 mins on the treadmill and 45-1 hour on the bike. Ahh!! I don't know if I can do that! Its quite intimidating. Leon said to do all this because what I was doing just wasn't enuogh to lose weight. Also, to eliminate the protein shake but thats not going to help me lose but instead make me gain. Which in a way is what I want. I want to build muscle and that ways more. Oh well, I can never be happy.
I did 30 minutes on the treadmill ( about 1.7 miles). No bueno! I normally do one mile in 15 minutes. What the heck?! I was very disappointed in myself. I did 15 minutes on the bike. Then 15 minutes on weights. I did 60 on the inner thigh. 100 on tricep press, 24 on ab curls (with 10lb weights, normal). 10 for each side on ab curls. 15 butterflies. Lastly 15 pull downs. Over all work out... I give it a 8.
I pushed myself on that treadmill. I really did. On the way home, I started to feel ill. As soon as I got home I drank the protein shake. Then went to bed. I crashed till 1:20PM. Mind you my work out was done by 10. I was really nauseous afterwards. It reminded me of day 1. I guess its a good thing, right? Means I pushed myself above my normal limits and got in a better work out, right? Well I think so.
I showered around 1:45PM. I ate 3 hard boiled eggs then took off to work.
Aunt Tracy invited me for dinner, after work I went over. I kept my calorie intake low through out the day so that I could splurge over here. She told me what she was making a head of time. She made beans, green chili, and home made tortillas. I had 2 servings. Haha. It was so good though! I should have only had the one but I couldn't help myself. It was just too good. After dinner I had a slice of texas sheet cake. It was good. I love coming over for dinner. I get spoiled. Oh and I copied more recipes. I definitely owe my aunt some recipe cards. :)
Brady gave me a foot and back massage. It felt so good. It got me all relaxed and sleepy.
Well thats all I did today. I really did have a good evening at Aunt Tracy's. I am always able to come here and relax. I never have to worry when I come here. I offer to help and sometimes she has something I can do, but mostly I just come and relax.
Sigh, I better be off. I am getting very tired and I am still at Aunt Tracy's. I really do love this place! Oh haha all the boys were here. Me and Calder are so honery to each other. I wouldn't let him have any cucumbers so he slid the plate away from me. I jacked the plate back and slapped his hand every time he went for one.
Well I do feel better than yesterday, still a little emotional, but better none the less.
I went to the gym after work today. My friend Erica met me out there. It was nice. I was talking to Leon before I went and he told me to cut the protein shake and up my cardio time. So I would have to do 30-45 mins on the treadmill and 45-1 hour on the bike. Ahh!! I don't know if I can do that! Its quite intimidating. Leon said to do all this because what I was doing just wasn't enuogh to lose weight. Also, to eliminate the protein shake but thats not going to help me lose but instead make me gain. Which in a way is what I want. I want to build muscle and that ways more. Oh well, I can never be happy.
I did 30 minutes on the treadmill ( about 1.7 miles). No bueno! I normally do one mile in 15 minutes. What the heck?! I was very disappointed in myself. I did 15 minutes on the bike. Then 15 minutes on weights. I did 60 on the inner thigh. 100 on tricep press, 24 on ab curls (with 10lb weights, normal). 10 for each side on ab curls. 15 butterflies. Lastly 15 pull downs. Over all work out... I give it a 8.
I pushed myself on that treadmill. I really did. On the way home, I started to feel ill. As soon as I got home I drank the protein shake. Then went to bed. I crashed till 1:20PM. Mind you my work out was done by 10. I was really nauseous afterwards. It reminded me of day 1. I guess its a good thing, right? Means I pushed myself above my normal limits and got in a better work out, right? Well I think so.
I showered around 1:45PM. I ate 3 hard boiled eggs then took off to work.
Aunt Tracy invited me for dinner, after work I went over. I kept my calorie intake low through out the day so that I could splurge over here. She told me what she was making a head of time. She made beans, green chili, and home made tortillas. I had 2 servings. Haha. It was so good though! I should have only had the one but I couldn't help myself. It was just too good. After dinner I had a slice of texas sheet cake. It was good. I love coming over for dinner. I get spoiled. Oh and I copied more recipes. I definitely owe my aunt some recipe cards. :)
Brady gave me a foot and back massage. It felt so good. It got me all relaxed and sleepy.
Well thats all I did today. I really did have a good evening at Aunt Tracy's. I am always able to come here and relax. I never have to worry when I come here. I offer to help and sometimes she has something I can do, but mostly I just come and relax.
Sigh, I better be off. I am getting very tired and I am still at Aunt Tracy's. I really do love this place! Oh haha all the boys were here. Me and Calder are so honery to each other. I wouldn't let him have any cucumbers so he slid the plate away from me. I jacked the plate back and slapped his hand every time he went for one.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Super Sunday - Day 20 - When emotions run a muck!
Emotions run a muck in this household. There is never just one emotion flowing in down these halls and hanging in each room. Its always a collaboration of EVERY emotion. One person can be happy, another sad, another angry and let me tell you. When all these emotions decide to party together its never a fun time for those in the midst.
We all have tempers. We all are short at one point or another. It's a little hard living here at times. I am always sad and feel like I have to compete for attention. I know what you are thinking, she's 21 she doesn't need attention anymore. She is such a child/baby! Well... I am sorry to have to say this. We all need attention. Thats why we have parents, siblings, friends, lovers, boyfriends/girlfriends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, wives, and husbands. We have them because they love us and with that love they give us individual attention. I am single going on 22 (July 3rd). I honestly feel I have no one. I get lonely, just as everyone else. I fall short of happy more often then not. I am needy because I've always had to compete for attention. 2 of my sisters had kids at a young age, I was left to babysit. I was always shoved somewhere in the background while my parents tended to their needs first. I rebelled when I was younger. I got attention, not always from the people I really wanted it from, but it was attention none the less.
Being needy makes you impatient. It also makes you doubt everyone and everything they say. So needless to say, I also have trust issues.
I'm a girl, 21 years old. I am STILL single and have no kids. I have parents catering to the needs of an older sister while my needs are never met. I am a very hard person to love, because I believe in giving hard love. Why let someone in when you will just get hurt in the end? Look at me and Caleb. I hurt so much because of the lies I was told. Because of all the false hope he and his family gave me, when in reality he was never going to be with me. I gave up everything, for nothing in return. Just pain, loneliness, and sadness.
I hate weddings because at the end of the day I know I am still alone. I am still going to an empty bed where I have no spouse waiting for me. I hate being the youngest and watching my older sisters get the guy.
Where is my guy!? Where is my Prince Charming!? I am tired of being sad and lonely. I want him to be here now! I want him to hold me at this very moment and tell me he loves me... Alas... It wont happen. I lay here in my bed, alone with no one.
As you can see, I am not feeling all that happy.
Church went well though. Church always goes well. I payed my tithing and fast offering. I met a couple new people. I told a few people it was my birthday next Sunday and a few of them said I should throw a party or something. Ha.
When you have no one, you tend to feel worthless. I feel worthless and unwanted. I gave my all. I gave it a shot. I won't be happy either way.
I fried a seafood mix I bought the other day. It was pretty good. It was already cooked so I tried a little bit while it was still cold. I made enough for the parents and I. We had rice with it as well. Thats all I've had today. :( I haven't been real hungry today.
No body ever notices me. No one ever sees me. I am invisible even when I try to show myself to them. They see what they want to see and apparently I am not what they want to see. I know I'm not all that pretty, I could never compare to some girls/women. I don't have the best body. I'm not girly enough. I am human though. I still hurt, just as much as anyone.
I'm angry and probably will be for a while. Sorry to all those who will have to deal with me.
We all have tempers. We all are short at one point or another. It's a little hard living here at times. I am always sad and feel like I have to compete for attention. I know what you are thinking, she's 21 she doesn't need attention anymore. She is such a child/baby! Well... I am sorry to have to say this. We all need attention. Thats why we have parents, siblings, friends, lovers, boyfriends/girlfriends, grandparents, aunts, uncles, wives, and husbands. We have them because they love us and with that love they give us individual attention. I am single going on 22 (July 3rd). I honestly feel I have no one. I get lonely, just as everyone else. I fall short of happy more often then not. I am needy because I've always had to compete for attention. 2 of my sisters had kids at a young age, I was left to babysit. I was always shoved somewhere in the background while my parents tended to their needs first. I rebelled when I was younger. I got attention, not always from the people I really wanted it from, but it was attention none the less.
Being needy makes you impatient. It also makes you doubt everyone and everything they say. So needless to say, I also have trust issues.
I'm a girl, 21 years old. I am STILL single and have no kids. I have parents catering to the needs of an older sister while my needs are never met. I am a very hard person to love, because I believe in giving hard love. Why let someone in when you will just get hurt in the end? Look at me and Caleb. I hurt so much because of the lies I was told. Because of all the false hope he and his family gave me, when in reality he was never going to be with me. I gave up everything, for nothing in return. Just pain, loneliness, and sadness.
I hate weddings because at the end of the day I know I am still alone. I am still going to an empty bed where I have no spouse waiting for me. I hate being the youngest and watching my older sisters get the guy.
Where is my guy!? Where is my Prince Charming!? I am tired of being sad and lonely. I want him to be here now! I want him to hold me at this very moment and tell me he loves me... Alas... It wont happen. I lay here in my bed, alone with no one.
As you can see, I am not feeling all that happy.
Church went well though. Church always goes well. I payed my tithing and fast offering. I met a couple new people. I told a few people it was my birthday next Sunday and a few of them said I should throw a party or something. Ha.
When you have no one, you tend to feel worthless. I feel worthless and unwanted. I gave my all. I gave it a shot. I won't be happy either way.
I fried a seafood mix I bought the other day. It was pretty good. It was already cooked so I tried a little bit while it was still cold. I made enough for the parents and I. We had rice with it as well. Thats all I've had today. :( I haven't been real hungry today.
No body ever notices me. No one ever sees me. I am invisible even when I try to show myself to them. They see what they want to see and apparently I am not what they want to see. I know I'm not all that pretty, I could never compare to some girls/women. I don't have the best body. I'm not girly enough. I am human though. I still hurt, just as much as anyone.
I'm angry and probably will be for a while. Sorry to all those who will have to deal with me.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Splurging! Day 19
When we checked the breaks last night, they weren't needing to be changed. I took the new ones back today and got my full refund. :) After I got the refund I went and bought some groceries and other thing... :P
I spent $122 at Walmart. I bought a gallon of milk, 5 dozzen eggs (I LOVE hard boiled eggs, so yummy!), broccoli, asparagus (which by the way I have never had before), spinach, seafood mix already cooked, about 15 boxes of lean cuisine meals, deodorant, toilet paper, and 3 movies (Red Riding Hood, Young Frankenstein (Mel Brooks version), and Stardust (AWESOME MOVIE)!! I just had to splurge. I haven't boughten a movie in a while. I needed to add to my collection, seeing as my sister Resa has the other half in California.
I didn't go to the gym this morning. I was too tired to get up from working on the car last night. I stayed in bed till 7:40AM. When I woke up I wasn't feeling good. My stomach was bothering me so I got in the shower and just layed in the tub with the water hitting my back. It felt so good! I layed like that for about 45 minutes. I had to be to work at 9AM. I got off early. One of the clients went home early, so I took off around 2:45PM.
Okay, so for breakfast I had a slim fast. I was running late. :( I grabbed another for lunch. When lunch time came I was way too hungry to drink just a slim fast. I ordered the 20 piece chicken nuggets at McDonalds. I could barely eat 10! And after I ate that 10 I got real sick and jittery. My stomach started hurting, I got nauseous, and i could feel my heart racing. It was terrible! I took the other half to Caleb at work I didn't want it to go to waste and I had to get my refund for the breaks.
I still haven't found my movie, The Rite. I'm getting a little mad about it. I've asked everyone and the reply is always the same "I haven't seen it" or "I don't know where it is". It didn't just walk away on its own!
My day is going a little better than yesterday/last night. I watched Red Riding Hood with mom and dad and now I am watching Young Frankenstein in their room. They took off. Oh which reminds me I need to get laundry in the wash! I'm tired though. What am I going to eat for dinner. Oh and after paying everything off all I have left, from my pay check, is about $40. Yeah, that'll hold me off till the 7th. HOPEFULLY. I am a little disappointed in myself. I got the wrong deodorant. I buy degree clinical strength, but I ended up buying secret clinical strength. Degree has double the amount then Secret. :(
Seriously what am I going to eat for dinner. A lean cuisine? Hard boiled eggs? Chicken (not feeling it though)? Go to bed hungry and just drink some water???? So many questions, so little time to figure it out in.
Oh yeah, what should I do about the squeaking break???? I was told my roters need to be turned, then told they are fine. Clean the breaks maybe?! I dont know! I am no mechanic!
I spent $122 at Walmart. I bought a gallon of milk, 5 dozzen eggs (I LOVE hard boiled eggs, so yummy!), broccoli, asparagus (which by the way I have never had before), spinach, seafood mix already cooked, about 15 boxes of lean cuisine meals, deodorant, toilet paper, and 3 movies (Red Riding Hood, Young Frankenstein (Mel Brooks version), and Stardust (AWESOME MOVIE)!! I just had to splurge. I haven't boughten a movie in a while. I needed to add to my collection, seeing as my sister Resa has the other half in California.
I didn't go to the gym this morning. I was too tired to get up from working on the car last night. I stayed in bed till 7:40AM. When I woke up I wasn't feeling good. My stomach was bothering me so I got in the shower and just layed in the tub with the water hitting my back. It felt so good! I layed like that for about 45 minutes. I had to be to work at 9AM. I got off early. One of the clients went home early, so I took off around 2:45PM.
Okay, so for breakfast I had a slim fast. I was running late. :( I grabbed another for lunch. When lunch time came I was way too hungry to drink just a slim fast. I ordered the 20 piece chicken nuggets at McDonalds. I could barely eat 10! And after I ate that 10 I got real sick and jittery. My stomach started hurting, I got nauseous, and i could feel my heart racing. It was terrible! I took the other half to Caleb at work I didn't want it to go to waste and I had to get my refund for the breaks.
I still haven't found my movie, The Rite. I'm getting a little mad about it. I've asked everyone and the reply is always the same "I haven't seen it" or "I don't know where it is". It didn't just walk away on its own!
My day is going a little better than yesterday/last night. I watched Red Riding Hood with mom and dad and now I am watching Young Frankenstein in their room. They took off. Oh which reminds me I need to get laundry in the wash! I'm tired though. What am I going to eat for dinner. Oh and after paying everything off all I have left, from my pay check, is about $40. Yeah, that'll hold me off till the 7th. HOPEFULLY. I am a little disappointed in myself. I got the wrong deodorant. I buy degree clinical strength, but I ended up buying secret clinical strength. Degree has double the amount then Secret. :(
Seriously what am I going to eat for dinner. A lean cuisine? Hard boiled eggs? Chicken (not feeling it though)? Go to bed hungry and just drink some water???? So many questions, so little time to figure it out in.
Oh yeah, what should I do about the squeaking break???? I was told my roters need to be turned, then told they are fine. Clean the breaks maybe?! I dont know! I am no mechanic!
Not my "dirty laundry" to air...
Yesterday/last night I posted some very personal things about someone else. It wasn't my business to do so. I was upset with him and just wanted to vent my frustration. I tried talking with him about why I was so mad and to prove to him that my anger towards him was justified. It didn't help any. he didn't want to hear it. That got me even more upset. What I did was wrong. I should have never talked about someone elses problems. I deeply sorry for all that I said. I don't want anyone to judge anyones character based off what I said. I will go thru the blogs I posted yesterday and take out the un necessary comments I made towards/about him. I also hope that no one thinks less of me for doing what I did.
In regards to my "Why all this misery" post. I do love my mother and both her and my dad do a lot for me. I am grateful for all that I have worked for and been given in life. My parents have always tried to give me the best life they could. The life they never had. She does upset me and we hardly ever see eye to eye, but I do love her and cherish the fun memories we have shared together. Again, please don't judge her character off of the things I have said about her. I did that post out of utter frustration and anger. She really is an amazing mom.
In regards to my "Why all this misery" post. I do love my mother and both her and my dad do a lot for me. I am grateful for all that I have worked for and been given in life. My parents have always tried to give me the best life they could. The life they never had. She does upset me and we hardly ever see eye to eye, but I do love her and cherish the fun memories we have shared together. Again, please don't judge her character off of the things I have said about her. I did that post out of utter frustration and anger. She really is an amazing mom.
Day 18 (insert "grr" face here!)
I was reminded today why me and Caleb don't hang out, why we aren't the ones for each other. He acts like everything is my fault. Its really not. Wether he is sleeping with all these teeny boppers and old ladies or not, he still acts like a man whore. I went to go pick up the breaks from him at work, seeing as we didn't do it this morning like we were suppose to, and I offered to bring him a soda. He said sure. I get there and some little girl is bringing him one! Uggh. I can't think about it anymore it just makes me even more angry!
I went to the gym. I did the usual 30 mins of cardio and 15 on weights. I am too tired and angry to go into detail right now.
I had a protein shake after the gym. 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast. 2 lettuce wraps for lunch. For dinner I had s little bit of chicken and baby corn. Also a piece of cake.
Karl came over, then Caleb. Caleb said Karl was dogging him the entire time. Well, all the 30 seconds that he saw him. I don't know. I didn't see such a thing happen. I told Karl he could come outside while me and Caleb finish the car. He just stayed in the house. Oh and by the way my car DOESNT need new breaks. They just squeal for some reason. I will take them back to get a refund since I didn't use them. We rotated the tires and went for a drive around the block. We got in a heated argument, as always. And as always he says its my fault. I disagree. I am not crazy. I am just high strung and tense at the moment. Every little thing is setting me off. Me and Caleb did end the night laughing. Karl and I on the other hand, not so much...................
I went to the gym. I did the usual 30 mins of cardio and 15 on weights. I am too tired and angry to go into detail right now.
I had a protein shake after the gym. 2 hard boiled eggs for breakfast. 2 lettuce wraps for lunch. For dinner I had s little bit of chicken and baby corn. Also a piece of cake.
Karl came over, then Caleb. Caleb said Karl was dogging him the entire time. Well, all the 30 seconds that he saw him. I don't know. I didn't see such a thing happen. I told Karl he could come outside while me and Caleb finish the car. He just stayed in the house. Oh and by the way my car DOESNT need new breaks. They just squeal for some reason. I will take them back to get a refund since I didn't use them. We rotated the tires and went for a drive around the block. We got in a heated argument, as always. And as always he says its my fault. I disagree. I am not crazy. I am just high strung and tense at the moment. Every little thing is setting me off. Me and Caleb did end the night laughing. Karl and I on the other hand, not so much...................
Friday, June 24, 2011
Why all this misery?
Why does she do this? I mean honestly, she causes all this misery herself.
The reason for my utter frustration is this. Jojo and Wanye are said to be moving out within the next 3 months (YAY!). I've decided to live at home and attend college. Thats not the issue anymore. Uggh, my thoughts are all over the place right now. My mother has decided to watch this girls, Tricia, kids while she attends college. This girl calls my parents "mom" and "dad". She has no relation to my family at all! My MOTHER has decided to entertain her deluded notions that they ARE her parents by telling everyone she is their daughter! Uggh! Both of them are crazy, I swear. This chick is crazy! My parents took her in while I was in California, I cam down for a visit and the house was disgusting. The entire house was trashed and stunk! The bathroom was the worst. When I walked in the house she was just sitting on the couch. I was so mad! I lugged all crap in and went into my room, to fins some of her crap in it. Haha, being the brat that I am. I chucked what wasn't mine out. I told her to clean the bathroom and she told me she would later. I flipped out on her and told her she needed to do it now cause this wasn't her house and she needed to clean up after herself cause I wasn't about to do it. I yelled at her to get out if she wouldn't. Okay, I know. You guys are all thinking I am the crazy one. I'm really not! Everything I do is totally justified. :) So then when my mom gets home a little later, she rushes out the door and calls my mom every name in the book! My mom and her have a yelling match outside and she said she is out of here. Bahaha, at last one of my dastardly plans worked! I got rid of her, just like I wanted to. She couldn't hack it with me here. No one ever can. :P For the longest time I didn't here about her after that. Then when I moved back, a few months in, mom tells me that she (Tricia) was coming over and to be "nice". Haha, I don't play nice. If I don't like you, your going to know and trust me she STILL knows. She ddn't come inside, they all stayed outside. But I could here her kids calling my parents "grandma" and "grandpa" and her calling them "mom" and "dad" still. Ugh so irritating. I have never called my mother names, except for crazy. I have raised a hand at her before when I was younger. ONCE! I'm not proud of it, trust me. That memory is a reminder of why I needed the church in my life and to keep my anger under control.
Anyway, I've gotten off track.
The thing is this. My parents have told me not to move out because everyone else is moving out. I would have the house to myself again, I would get the peace and quiet I need so that I can go back to school. What in her right mind would she think it okay to take these kids in practically 24/7?! Why is she so crazy sometimes!? I honestly can't take it. I try asking her she just says its cause its what she would do for any of us, and like us she is her kid too. I laughed and said that she isn't. She is just some stupid girl USING them. She should get her own dang family and stay away from mine. My mother really causes all theses problems. No one else. Just her. I'm living here too! I do get a say in what goes on in this house! The couches in the front room are mine!
On top of that, today was the day to work on my car. Caleb was suppose to come over around 6AM to work on it with me. I text him at 6 to see if he is still coming over . He texts back around 7 and says yeah, and that he crashed and was sorry. I say okay and that I will see him in a bit. Haha, 8 comes around and he's still not here. He then tells me that we are going to have to post pone the breaks and tire rotation. Something is wrong with his tahoe and he has to get it fixed, yada yada blah blah. I have a hard time believing anything he says. Mind you the rush on the breaks and tires is because he has asked me to drive him to his court hearing on the 29th. I told him I'd go get him after my appointment, because this couldn't be post poned. He just says text me and see what I am doing. WTHeck!? I'm getting a little histerical at this point. He pretty much quit replying to my texts. I don't like change. Its hard for me to just let things go. Once I have something in my mind I freak out till its accomplished. Luckily Caleb knows this. He called me and tell me why he couldn't do this and is apologizing to me cause he knows I'm already stressing at this point. I ended up tearing up on the phone with him just cause I am so overwhelmed with nothing going right. I told him sorry as well, for freaking out. He said it's okay and understandable. This is why I don't rely on others. Because things happen where they can't do what they had said they would. Instead of dealing with the stress of life, in that sense. I just don't put myself in that situation. Well try not to.
This is also why I go to the gym. Its definitely a stress reliever, but this is why I would much rather go at night or around 9AM.
Now I don't know when my car will get done, he gets off at 10PM and I already bought the break pads. And I don't know what I am going to do with this living situation. I just don't get how some people can be so irresponsible. Why take on someone elses problems when you can't even handle your own?! Uggh.
If things change I will update, as always. I will do a different blog dedicated to my workout/diet routine. Uggh, I just really needed to vent. Thanks for letting me do this. Uggh Jojo is yelling for me. Got to go!
The reason for my utter frustration is this. Jojo and Wanye are said to be moving out within the next 3 months (YAY!). I've decided to live at home and attend college. Thats not the issue anymore. Uggh, my thoughts are all over the place right now. My mother has decided to watch this girls, Tricia, kids while she attends college. This girl calls my parents "mom" and "dad". She has no relation to my family at all! My MOTHER has decided to entertain her deluded notions that they ARE her parents by telling everyone she is their daughter! Uggh! Both of them are crazy, I swear. This chick is crazy! My parents took her in while I was in California, I cam down for a visit and the house was disgusting. The entire house was trashed and stunk! The bathroom was the worst. When I walked in the house she was just sitting on the couch. I was so mad! I lugged all crap in and went into my room, to fins some of her crap in it. Haha, being the brat that I am. I chucked what wasn't mine out. I told her to clean the bathroom and she told me she would later. I flipped out on her and told her she needed to do it now cause this wasn't her house and she needed to clean up after herself cause I wasn't about to do it. I yelled at her to get out if she wouldn't. Okay, I know. You guys are all thinking I am the crazy one. I'm really not! Everything I do is totally justified. :) So then when my mom gets home a little later, she rushes out the door and calls my mom every name in the book! My mom and her have a yelling match outside and she said she is out of here. Bahaha, at last one of my dastardly plans worked! I got rid of her, just like I wanted to. She couldn't hack it with me here. No one ever can. :P For the longest time I didn't here about her after that. Then when I moved back, a few months in, mom tells me that she (Tricia) was coming over and to be "nice". Haha, I don't play nice. If I don't like you, your going to know and trust me she STILL knows. She ddn't come inside, they all stayed outside. But I could here her kids calling my parents "grandma" and "grandpa" and her calling them "mom" and "dad" still. Ugh so irritating. I have never called my mother names, except for crazy. I have raised a hand at her before when I was younger. ONCE! I'm not proud of it, trust me. That memory is a reminder of why I needed the church in my life and to keep my anger under control.
Anyway, I've gotten off track.
The thing is this. My parents have told me not to move out because everyone else is moving out. I would have the house to myself again, I would get the peace and quiet I need so that I can go back to school. What in her right mind would she think it okay to take these kids in practically 24/7?! Why is she so crazy sometimes!? I honestly can't take it. I try asking her she just says its cause its what she would do for any of us, and like us she is her kid too. I laughed and said that she isn't. She is just some stupid girl USING them. She should get her own dang family and stay away from mine. My mother really causes all theses problems. No one else. Just her. I'm living here too! I do get a say in what goes on in this house! The couches in the front room are mine!
On top of that, today was the day to work on my car. Caleb was suppose to come over around 6AM to work on it with me. I text him at 6 to see if he is still coming over . He texts back around 7 and says yeah, and that he crashed and was sorry. I say okay and that I will see him in a bit. Haha, 8 comes around and he's still not here. He then tells me that we are going to have to post pone the breaks and tire rotation. Something is wrong with his tahoe and he has to get it fixed, yada yada blah blah. I have a hard time believing anything he says. Mind you the rush on the breaks and tires is because he has asked me to drive him to his court hearing on the 29th. I told him I'd go get him after my appointment, because this couldn't be post poned. He just says text me and see what I am doing. WTHeck!? I'm getting a little histerical at this point. He pretty much quit replying to my texts. I don't like change. Its hard for me to just let things go. Once I have something in my mind I freak out till its accomplished. Luckily Caleb knows this. He called me and tell me why he couldn't do this and is apologizing to me cause he knows I'm already stressing at this point. I ended up tearing up on the phone with him just cause I am so overwhelmed with nothing going right. I told him sorry as well, for freaking out. He said it's okay and understandable. This is why I don't rely on others. Because things happen where they can't do what they had said they would. Instead of dealing with the stress of life, in that sense. I just don't put myself in that situation. Well try not to.
This is also why I go to the gym. Its definitely a stress reliever, but this is why I would much rather go at night or around 9AM.
Now I don't know when my car will get done, he gets off at 10PM and I already bought the break pads. And I don't know what I am going to do with this living situation. I just don't get how some people can be so irresponsible. Why take on someone elses problems when you can't even handle your own?! Uggh.
If things change I will update, as always. I will do a different blog dedicated to my workout/diet routine. Uggh, I just really needed to vent. Thanks for letting me do this. Uggh Jojo is yelling for me. Got to go!
Thursday, June 23, 2011
My Day.... Day 17
Dad woke me up around 3:40AM. I was too tired to go with him. I stayed out too late the night before. I slept in till 11AM, which was AWESOME! I haven't slept in for quite some time. It felt nice to be lazy. Mom came in my room around that time and asked if I wanted to go with her to the gym and to meet dad out there around 12. I said sure. We got out there and dad was already working it, he took my car to work today. I did 15 on the treadmill then I did weights: 100 tricep presses, 50 inner thigh work out, 25 ab curls (normal) and then I did 15 minutes on the bike. I wanted to do 20 more ab curls, 10 for each side, but mom and dad were ready to go. Not that it mattered, I did have my car. For some reason the tricep press was killer for me! I didn't change the weights or anything, but it was really hard. I had to keep taking breaks just to get my 100. I pushed myself on the treadmill today. I sprinted parts of the mile. It was hard.
I came home after that. I had a protein shake. Then I came into my room and watched a movie called Passport To Love. It was a good movie. I liked it. It was PG-13 and in vietnamese. It had subtitles, good thing I don't mind subtitles.
I went to work at 2:30PM. After I got off I went to meet with the apartment manager, Laura. I was suppose to be going to sign papers, but she said I have to wait another month. Somebody that had applied before me called and said their income had changed, which made them a "very low income" candidate. So, that lady got the apartment I would have gotten. Oh well. I was going there to tell her never mind anyway on the apartment. My parents informed me yesterday that Jojo and Wayne are suppose to be moving out. They put a bid on a house, I am praying they get it. They will know by Saturday. I told mom and dad that they (Jojo and Wayne) have a month to get out or I'm leaving. My parents are bipolar on this moving out ordeal with me. One minute they tell me they think it would be best, the next mom is crying and both are telling me to stay. What the heck?! I am no puppet and I am getting really irritated being told two different things. I want to go to school so living here is my opportunity to do that, but I can't stand living with my sister, her hubby and their 7 kids (when all are here). It's just too much in one household (4 BR)!
Oh and I am missing my movie, The Rite. I just bought it! It makes me so angry. I asked Jojo if she has seen it and she said no. It was in the front room last time I saw it. I don't care if they watched it, but they need to put it back in my movie box. It was 15 dollars and I wanted to watch it the other night!
Karl had game night at his house tonight. I went. I spent $30 on the food for it. Oh I had a slim fast before I went over. I ate some pigs in a blanket (I used crescent rolls and the lil smokes sausage). It was good. I also bought some chips. I'm not a huge chip person. I had some though. Oh and I bought Otter Pops for Karl. He said he would pay me back. I said okay!
Haha, so when I jog on the treadmill my workout pants fall off!!! :) That makes me happy. I just want to build more lean muscle so I can burn fat while doing nothing. Haha! I had to keep pulling them up. :) Well thats it for now. :)
Tomorrow is a long day! Go to the gym in the AM, work on the car around 6AM, chiropractor at 8:30AM, finish the car if it needs to be finished, then off to work at 2:30PM for transportation and "dinner and a movie". Loooooooong day ahead of me. I need my rest. Night!
I came home after that. I had a protein shake. Then I came into my room and watched a movie called Passport To Love. It was a good movie. I liked it. It was PG-13 and in vietnamese. It had subtitles, good thing I don't mind subtitles.
I went to work at 2:30PM. After I got off I went to meet with the apartment manager, Laura. I was suppose to be going to sign papers, but she said I have to wait another month. Somebody that had applied before me called and said their income had changed, which made them a "very low income" candidate. So, that lady got the apartment I would have gotten. Oh well. I was going there to tell her never mind anyway on the apartment. My parents informed me yesterday that Jojo and Wayne are suppose to be moving out. They put a bid on a house, I am praying they get it. They will know by Saturday. I told mom and dad that they (Jojo and Wayne) have a month to get out or I'm leaving. My parents are bipolar on this moving out ordeal with me. One minute they tell me they think it would be best, the next mom is crying and both are telling me to stay. What the heck?! I am no puppet and I am getting really irritated being told two different things. I want to go to school so living here is my opportunity to do that, but I can't stand living with my sister, her hubby and their 7 kids (when all are here). It's just too much in one household (4 BR)!
Oh and I am missing my movie, The Rite. I just bought it! It makes me so angry. I asked Jojo if she has seen it and she said no. It was in the front room last time I saw it. I don't care if they watched it, but they need to put it back in my movie box. It was 15 dollars and I wanted to watch it the other night!
Karl had game night at his house tonight. I went. I spent $30 on the food for it. Oh I had a slim fast before I went over. I ate some pigs in a blanket (I used crescent rolls and the lil smokes sausage). It was good. I also bought some chips. I'm not a huge chip person. I had some though. Oh and I bought Otter Pops for Karl. He said he would pay me back. I said okay!
Haha, so when I jog on the treadmill my workout pants fall off!!! :) That makes me happy. I just want to build more lean muscle so I can burn fat while doing nothing. Haha! I had to keep pulling them up. :) Well thats it for now. :)
Tomorrow is a long day! Go to the gym in the AM, work on the car around 6AM, chiropractor at 8:30AM, finish the car if it needs to be finished, then off to work at 2:30PM for transportation and "dinner and a movie". Loooooooong day ahead of me. I need my rest. Night!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Day 16
Dad woke me up to go to the gym. It was kind of funny. I was completely out last night. I went to bed a little late. I woke up to someone touching me and all I can see is the silhouette of a man. I just yell "don't touch me" a couple of times. Then I realized it was just dad waking me up to go to the gym. :) I wasn't planning on working out today, my lower back/hip area is still hurting. I wore my flip flops, but as soon as I got there I knew I couldn't leave without going to the gym. I did 15 minutes on the bike. 100 tricep presses, 50 inner thigh workouts, 25 ab curls (normal), 15 butterflies, 15 weight pull downs. I was there for about 30 minutes. Not too bad.
I came home and had a protein shake for breakfast. I didn't do too much. I took a nap, went to work. After work I went to pay the car payment and then to AutoZone to order some new breaks for my car. $65 for break pads. What the heck! I only have about $80 left over from my paycheck. I was payed $500. So many bills and expenses!
I came home and had a slim fast for breakfast. Showered, got dressed and watched a lot of TV today. I had 2 hard boiled eggs for lunch. Not bad. Went back to work. Then I went to my Aunts house. My parents took me and my cousin Brady to the show. I went to pick him up but he decided to take his truck so I went with. We watched The Green Lantern. Oh I had 3 cookies at my Aunts; peanut butter with a kiss on top, so dang yummy! I should have taken a picture. Oh well. I also tried a miniature pecan pie tart. That was really good too.
The movie was okay. I don't recommend it till it comes out on DVD (to rent). I bought a soda, root beer, and had some popcorn while at the theater. I had a good day today.
I found out tonight that my sister and her hubby might be moving out. They put an offer on a house. I hope they get it, then I can have MY house back. Meaning my parents' house. :) It'll save me money. I won't have to pay rent and I will virtually have the place to myself.
On a side note: I still need a new bed.
I came home and had a protein shake for breakfast. I didn't do too much. I took a nap, went to work. After work I went to pay the car payment and then to AutoZone to order some new breaks for my car. $65 for break pads. What the heck! I only have about $80 left over from my paycheck. I was payed $500. So many bills and expenses!
I came home and had a slim fast for breakfast. Showered, got dressed and watched a lot of TV today. I had 2 hard boiled eggs for lunch. Not bad. Went back to work. Then I went to my Aunts house. My parents took me and my cousin Brady to the show. I went to pick him up but he decided to take his truck so I went with. We watched The Green Lantern. Oh I had 3 cookies at my Aunts; peanut butter with a kiss on top, so dang yummy! I should have taken a picture. Oh well. I also tried a miniature pecan pie tart. That was really good too.
The movie was okay. I don't recommend it till it comes out on DVD (to rent). I bought a soda, root beer, and had some popcorn while at the theater. I had a good day today.
I found out tonight that my sister and her hubby might be moving out. They put an offer on a house. I hope they get it, then I can have MY house back. Meaning my parents' house. :) It'll save me money. I won't have to pay rent and I will virtually have the place to myself.
On a side note: I still need a new bed.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Dilemmas dilemmas dilemmas - Day 15
I went to the gym at 9AM today. It was a good workout. I did 15 minutes on the fit stride. Then I did my weights. 50 inner thigh workouts. 100 tricep presses. 15 leg extentsions. I ended with 15 minutes on the treadmill. I then drank a protein shake.
I went to my friends Pauls today. He needed a ride to the court house. I took him. I cooked steak for lunch. It was yummy. He fell asleep and I went to work.
Work was fine.
I had a steak for lunch. For dinner I had 2 lettuce wraps and a cupcake.
Caleb came over tonight. He came to rub my back. It was hurting. We talked. We always talk when we are together. Theres still tension, but its nice to be able to talk to someone. I just talked to him about the apartment and school. He says to get the apartment. I am so wishy washy on it. I don't know what to do. The church says to not put schooling on hold. To get it done as soon as you can. My parents think I should move out, they say it will be easier for everyone. Oh well. Back to Caleb. We went on a walk. We talk and go on walks now days. Never hang out. I won't go to his place and I was surprised that he came to mine tonight. I think he just wanted some affection/attention. Which I am okay with. I got some use out of him too. :) The walk was nice. We went out in the desert. It was dark and we looked like we were drunk, stumbling everywhere from lack of lighting.
I talked with the bishop about the living situation and schooling. He told me to take the apartment, I guess I will. If the bishop says to do it, it can't be the wrong choice. Right?
Tonight is a short one. I had a long meeting with the bishop and I am tired. If I left anything out I will change it tomorrow. I am going to bed now. :)
I went to my friends Pauls today. He needed a ride to the court house. I took him. I cooked steak for lunch. It was yummy. He fell asleep and I went to work.
Work was fine.
I had a steak for lunch. For dinner I had 2 lettuce wraps and a cupcake.
Caleb came over tonight. He came to rub my back. It was hurting. We talked. We always talk when we are together. Theres still tension, but its nice to be able to talk to someone. I just talked to him about the apartment and school. He says to get the apartment. I am so wishy washy on it. I don't know what to do. The church says to not put schooling on hold. To get it done as soon as you can. My parents think I should move out, they say it will be easier for everyone. Oh well. Back to Caleb. We went on a walk. We talk and go on walks now days. Never hang out. I won't go to his place and I was surprised that he came to mine tonight. I think he just wanted some affection/attention. Which I am okay with. I got some use out of him too. :) The walk was nice. We went out in the desert. It was dark and we looked like we were drunk, stumbling everywhere from lack of lighting.
I talked with the bishop about the living situation and schooling. He told me to take the apartment, I guess I will. If the bishop says to do it, it can't be the wrong choice. Right?
Tonight is a short one. I had a long meeting with the bishop and I am tired. If I left anything out I will change it tomorrow. I am going to bed now. :)
Monday, June 20, 2011
Fantastic Friends - Day 14
I went to the gym after work today. Dad didn't go in today nor does he go in tomorrow. I stayed out later than I had anticipated, so I wont go to the gym till after work; 9AM.
Oo I am so happy! I did 1 mile in 14 minutes on the treadmill. Go me! I jogged 2 minutes then walked 1. After the treadmill I did weights. 100 tricep presses, I think I might up the weights on this one. It doesn't burn like it use to. I did 50 inner thigh workout, I upped the weights on it. I can't see the back of it real well, so I'm not sure what I put it on. Maybe 20lbs, something like that. I don't feel the burn as much anymore in any of the weights. I did 20 ab curls, normal, with 10 lb weights on each side. Then I did 10 for each side. I definitely don't feel the burn as much as when I first did the ab curls. Its still hard for me to do them so I'm not gonna up the weight or the reps. Its hard enough as is. I did 15 butterflies, that still burns. 10 weight pull downs, I will add more weights tomorrow. 10 pleyas for each leg. That still burns. :) After I did the weights I went back to cardio and finished with 15 minutes on the bike. It was a good work out, I think.
I cam home after that and had a protein shake. I relaxed till about 11, watched movies, and ate 3 hard boiled eggs. Robyn, Jessica, Lane and Darcy came in my room to watch a movie with me. I love those kids. I do miss them! I hope they know that I love them. I then went back to work. I came home and had a SMALL slice of frozen pizza, 2 tiny breadsticks (If you put both together I think it would make one full breadstick) and I cooked some chicken for tomorrow. Oh I went to FHE and had a spoonful of roast beef, a handful of carrots and cucumbers. It was good, and as always LOTS and LOTS of water.
I won't be able to get that job in California. They wouldn't do an over the phone interview, oh well. I guess it wasn't meant to be. As for the living situation, as much as I want to have my own place I'm going to stick it out at the parents house. I know I would be happier with my own place, but I can't live in those apartments and go to school. I will stay here and continue my education that way I can re locate and find a job quicker. I want to be happy and the longer I stay here the less likely I am to find it. I might buy a mini friedge and put it in my room, that way NONE of my food will be eaten. Seeing as I have to buy my own. Those were the two dilemmas I was having mentioned in one of my previous posts. I hope this is what I am suppose to do.
I went to FHE tonight. I had so much fun! I introduced myself to 3 new people. Well new to me. I can't remember how to spell his name but its pronounced Lawn (he is way cute and polite :)), Jase and Raegan. They were all fun boys. Karl was at FHE so we sat together and just talked. I have fun with Karl, he is everything I am not. :) He invited me and a few other back to his place to play Settlers of Catan. Jase, Raegan, and a guy named Andy or Andrew came. I liked Andy. He was funny, kind of quirky too. He kept me laughing, as did Karl and Raegan. I love being the only girl the midst of guys. :) Oh, Andy won. I came in 2nd with 8 points. Karl and Raegan tied. Haha, so on the way out Andy hit his head on the light fixture. It was funny. I laughed. I asked if he was okay and told him I just caouldn't help BUT laugh. He said it was fin cause he was laughing too.
Haha, this is a bit awkward, but he totally reminds me of my brother in law Travis. Resa's husband. Haha! Not the cutest, but has the personality that will win you over. He told me to go to institute tomorrow, but I already have plans at that time. :(
I really did have a lot of fun tonight. I stayed out way to late, but I enjoyed it. I may or may not go to the gym tomorrow. I am trying to figure out if I want to. Maybe just go for a quick jog around the block or something. I'm just not feeling gym time tomorrow. I have a lot going on tomorrow and I am low on gas. My light is about to come on. I don't know what I am going to do about the gym tomorrow. I will let everyone know tomorrow I guess. :)
I gave dad a back and feet massage today for Fathers Day (yesterday). He enjoyed it. He REALLY enjoyed it. I didn't mind doing it, either.
So, I often wonder if certain people are thinking about me and what they are thinking about. Like today, I thought of an old friend, Nash, and wondered if her ever thought of me too. It's strange but they have to do it a little, right? Think of me that is. I had to have left some sort of imprint on past friends, boyfriends, lovers...etc.. I just wish I could know what they thought and how often.
Well off to bed now, I still have to read my scriptures and write in my journal. I have to get up at 6:15 for work in the morning. :)
Oo I am so happy! I did 1 mile in 14 minutes on the treadmill. Go me! I jogged 2 minutes then walked 1. After the treadmill I did weights. 100 tricep presses, I think I might up the weights on this one. It doesn't burn like it use to. I did 50 inner thigh workout, I upped the weights on it. I can't see the back of it real well, so I'm not sure what I put it on. Maybe 20lbs, something like that. I don't feel the burn as much anymore in any of the weights. I did 20 ab curls, normal, with 10 lb weights on each side. Then I did 10 for each side. I definitely don't feel the burn as much as when I first did the ab curls. Its still hard for me to do them so I'm not gonna up the weight or the reps. Its hard enough as is. I did 15 butterflies, that still burns. 10 weight pull downs, I will add more weights tomorrow. 10 pleyas for each leg. That still burns. :) After I did the weights I went back to cardio and finished with 15 minutes on the bike. It was a good work out, I think.
I cam home after that and had a protein shake. I relaxed till about 11, watched movies, and ate 3 hard boiled eggs. Robyn, Jessica, Lane and Darcy came in my room to watch a movie with me. I love those kids. I do miss them! I hope they know that I love them. I then went back to work. I came home and had a SMALL slice of frozen pizza, 2 tiny breadsticks (If you put both together I think it would make one full breadstick) and I cooked some chicken for tomorrow. Oh I went to FHE and had a spoonful of roast beef, a handful of carrots and cucumbers. It was good, and as always LOTS and LOTS of water.
I won't be able to get that job in California. They wouldn't do an over the phone interview, oh well. I guess it wasn't meant to be. As for the living situation, as much as I want to have my own place I'm going to stick it out at the parents house. I know I would be happier with my own place, but I can't live in those apartments and go to school. I will stay here and continue my education that way I can re locate and find a job quicker. I want to be happy and the longer I stay here the less likely I am to find it. I might buy a mini friedge and put it in my room, that way NONE of my food will be eaten. Seeing as I have to buy my own. Those were the two dilemmas I was having mentioned in one of my previous posts. I hope this is what I am suppose to do.
I went to FHE tonight. I had so much fun! I introduced myself to 3 new people. Well new to me. I can't remember how to spell his name but its pronounced Lawn (he is way cute and polite :)), Jase and Raegan. They were all fun boys. Karl was at FHE so we sat together and just talked. I have fun with Karl, he is everything I am not. :) He invited me and a few other back to his place to play Settlers of Catan. Jase, Raegan, and a guy named Andy or Andrew came. I liked Andy. He was funny, kind of quirky too. He kept me laughing, as did Karl and Raegan. I love being the only girl the midst of guys. :) Oh, Andy won. I came in 2nd with 8 points. Karl and Raegan tied. Haha, so on the way out Andy hit his head on the light fixture. It was funny. I laughed. I asked if he was okay and told him I just caouldn't help BUT laugh. He said it was fin cause he was laughing too.
Haha, this is a bit awkward, but he totally reminds me of my brother in law Travis. Resa's husband. Haha! Not the cutest, but has the personality that will win you over. He told me to go to institute tomorrow, but I already have plans at that time. :(
I really did have a lot of fun tonight. I stayed out way to late, but I enjoyed it. I may or may not go to the gym tomorrow. I am trying to figure out if I want to. Maybe just go for a quick jog around the block or something. I'm just not feeling gym time tomorrow. I have a lot going on tomorrow and I am low on gas. My light is about to come on. I don't know what I am going to do about the gym tomorrow. I will let everyone know tomorrow I guess. :)
I gave dad a back and feet massage today for Fathers Day (yesterday). He enjoyed it. He REALLY enjoyed it. I didn't mind doing it, either.
So, I often wonder if certain people are thinking about me and what they are thinking about. Like today, I thought of an old friend, Nash, and wondered if her ever thought of me too. It's strange but they have to do it a little, right? Think of me that is. I had to have left some sort of imprint on past friends, boyfriends, lovers...etc.. I just wish I could know what they thought and how often.
Well off to bed now, I still have to read my scriptures and write in my journal. I have to get up at 6:15 for work in the morning. :)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Super Sunday - Day 13
I absolutely love Sundays. I wish everyday were a Sunday to me. I feel so close to our Heavenly Father and Savior. I just feel so good and happy on Sunday. Not just at church but thru out the entire day. I went to Relief Society. I kind of spaced out in class. I payed attention in the beginning but then I started doodling. :) I met up with Tawny and we went to Sunday School . I payed attention and participated. I also got to sit in front of a guy that I have a crush on. He's quite the intelligent one. I liked his comments towards the lesson. Oh the lesson was "The Life of Christ". He hugged me... :) Im giggling like a school girl with a crush on the inside. Tee hee Tee hee. I told him he looked good in purple. :) Oh just so you know, its not complete creeper status on my part. Tawny knows him and I believe he is the same guy I attempted to play hacky sack with at one point. Sacrament was good. I sat with Tawny and a guy named Austin. I have no idea who he is, Tawny wanted to sit next to him. She knew him. Sabina went to sacrament, but was late. So she didn't sit with us. She found us afterwards though.
I took all the left overs from the wedding to the church for FHE tomorrow night. BBQ beef sandwiches, cupcakes and a cake. I took most of the rolls we had left over too.
Sabina came to the house with me to pick up some of the food and take it to the institute building. She met my crazy family.
It was a nice lazy day. I had the house to myself for a couple hours. I was able to watch what I wanted and just relax in the quiet house. I ate like a pig though.
I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I got home from church I had 1 taco, a lean cuisine pizza (only 9g of fat!), a roll and a cupcake. Uggh. Such a fatty. I had another taco somewhere in the midst of all that eating... I think. I drank a glass of milk too. My water isn't melting fast enough. Yeah. Thats all I've done. Now I am just watching TV. I'm too tired to do anything. I definitely want to go to bed NOW. Its still too early though. :( And I still need to do my laundry. Its all stinky and what not. Most of it is gym clothes. Haha. I'll update if anything changes.
I really do love Sundays. There's just something so wonderful about them that I can't explain. I honestly feel so at peace on Sundays. :)
I enjoyed all the time I had with Ellens kids. I love my family.
I ended up having a slice of chocolate dream pie, I think thats what it was called, at my aunts house. It was very good. :)
I took all the left overs from the wedding to the church for FHE tomorrow night. BBQ beef sandwiches, cupcakes and a cake. I took most of the rolls we had left over too.
Sabina came to the house with me to pick up some of the food and take it to the institute building. She met my crazy family.
It was a nice lazy day. I had the house to myself for a couple hours. I was able to watch what I wanted and just relax in the quiet house. I ate like a pig though.
I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast. When I got home from church I had 1 taco, a lean cuisine pizza (only 9g of fat!), a roll and a cupcake. Uggh. Such a fatty. I had another taco somewhere in the midst of all that eating... I think. I drank a glass of milk too. My water isn't melting fast enough. Yeah. Thats all I've done. Now I am just watching TV. I'm too tired to do anything. I definitely want to go to bed NOW. Its still too early though. :( And I still need to do my laundry. Its all stinky and what not. Most of it is gym clothes. Haha. I'll update if anything changes.
I really do love Sundays. There's just something so wonderful about them that I can't explain. I honestly feel so at peace on Sundays. :)
I enjoyed all the time I had with Ellens kids. I love my family.
I ended up having a slice of chocolate dream pie, I think thats what it was called, at my aunts house. It was very good. :)
Wedding pictures!
Here are the pictures I took at Jojo and Waynes wedding. They hired a photographer, so I just took a few.
Wayne, Jr, Nathaniel and Copper
I have no idea how this happened. haha. Its completely upside down.
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